Portland Puzzler's PZ Kut Pilfered!!!

The following upsetting item was just posted by Der Mad Stamper:

Okay, everyone... FREEZE! Stop what you're doing right this minute and don't move an inch! I don't want anyone going anywhere until somebody coughs up my freakin' PZ Kut!

I suppose I should explain... last night something absolutely dreadful happened!

It started out pretty much as an ordinary night. I found a nice little karaoke bar that I hadn't been to before. I went in around ten, ordered a drink, and put my name on the list to sing a song. About a half hour later, when they asked me to leave, I headed for home. There was nothing good on TV and the lady next door had her shades pulled down, so I went to bed early.

But I woke up with a start when I heard the sound of screeching tires outside my home. I looked at my alarm and saw that it was exactly 12 midnight. I jumped out of bed and peeked through the curtains of my bedroom window. There was no one in sight and my car was still parked in the middle of my front lawn, so I went back to bed.

Then, this morning, I got up and began my usual routine. I popped a few aspirin, drank some Alka Seltzer, took a quick shower, and then got undressed. After downing a cup of yogurt and a bottle of pale ale, I started making my rounds. I fed my pufferfish, threw another baby bunny into the snake cage, and filled my cat's dish with Cocoa Pebbles. Then I went over to my special shrine to hug and kiss my huge private stockpile of precious Grade A white PZ Kut carving material. To my horror, I realized that my entire hoard was missing! Gone! Vanished!

Why would someone do this to me? Why did they have to take my Grade A white PZ Kut, of all things? There's plenty of other stuff around my house that is more valuable: my ex-wife's car... my ex-wife's wardrobe... my ex-wife's prosthetic leg. Why would they take the one thing that means so very much to me? Why me, Lord, why ME???

It's not like anyone has any personal reason to attack me. Well, I suppose there's that one guy down the block who used to have the peekapoo... and then there was that little incident at the convent. But, for the most part, I've lived a life of pure innocence and have been an absolute model citizen. What could possibly motivate anyone to do something so horrid and unspeakable to someone like me?

I know it must have been one of you!

Who else, but a letterboxer, would be driven to come into my home and steal my beloved PZ Kut? You sick, obsessive, depraved scoundrels! You will never get away with this!

Whoever you are, I will stop at nothing to find you and expose you for the villain that you are! I'm going to hire an investigator! I'm going to hunt you down like an animal! Vengeance will be mine! I will not sit quietly and be violated in this manner!

Nobody... I repeat, NOBODY... goes letterboxing again until I find my PZ Kut! Just stay where you are right this second and my investigator will contact you shortly. Don't any of you move a muscle! You... you... you freakin'... freaks!


-- Der Mad Stamper